Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Valentines Day Break Up with Hotmail

Dear Hotmail,

Valentine's Day is upon us and as thoughts turn to love and romance, I regret to inform you that it has become unbearably evident that we're no longer right for each other. I have grown beyond our early days when just having a Hotmail was enough.

Hotmail, my decision to move on became clear as I reflected and realized you no longer prioritize me. You don't seem to care that I am getting all sorts of unwanted contact from strangers. In fact you keep beating me over the head with crude enlargement advertisements and despite my complaints you just don’t stop. I don’t mean to nag, but when we were first together, this was not the case. You watched out for me. Only those I liked and trusted got by you. But, alas no more.

Hotmail, do you remember when we first met? We were both so young and you gave yourself to me freely. Well, though I’ve never complained about this, I’ve always resented you for unexpectedly starting to require me to send you money for us to be together. Now don’t get me wrong. You weren’t my only option; however, even though G-mail promised it could hit the spot and shortly after we met I had a brief encounter Yahooing, I have remained with you.

As I reflect upon this decision I realize it is because I had become comfortable in our relationship. It was easier to just stay with you than to move on. Everyone knew me to be with Hotmail. At times I realize I stayed with you more not to upset others, rather than focusing on what was really right for me. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who hops around from mail to mail to mail, just looking for immediate satisfaction to whomever would service me for free. We all have cheap friends like this. We can never find them because we have no idea what mail they’re with and we usually resent them as they jump around between all these mails expecting us to track them down. I’m definitely not one of those femails, but, Hotmail, while I have felt committed to you, I must be honest, and tell you that though I really wasn't really looking, I have recently been swept away by another that has come to satisfy needs I didn't even know I had and has provided service to me in a way I never knew was possible. And…unlike with you, I’m not expected to pay for the pleasure.

I don’t mean to hurt you Hotmail, but this is not the life I want. While it was fine in our early days, I realize there is so much more to a relationship and though I’m coming out and directly sharing this today, I am sure you've noticed that I've become more distant. While I used to visit you every day…usually, twice, you are now lucky if I visit you once a week. That is because I am spending time with my new love which has given me so much more. You know, it’s funny, for those first few months I didn’t even see myself as having an affair with a new mail. In fact, when we first came into contact with one another, I didn’t understand much at all. I only started so I could understand my students better, and while many of my friends and colleagues thought I was too old for this, I have been talking to them and they too are seeing why we are right together.

Hotmail, since I’ve moved on, I’ve started to feel like I’ve been set free. I’m getting to see and learn so many random things that I never knew. And, believe it or not, even though I have all these friends now, I feel safer than when I’m with you. I feel like I now have the tools to easily protect myself and my privacy while connecting with so many others. In fact, I am now encouraged to find new friends, join and set up causes, share ideas, pictures, videos, articles and more in ways you never encouraged me to or helped me do. And, while I promise you, I truly was not interested in another mail at the time I started to stray, I slowly began seeing things differently. Little by little I started checking my mail here. Then I noticed it was only from my approved friends. You should also know that for Face people like me, it was helpful that every piece of mail came with a photo. Now that I have moved to a new mail I have learned something else. This mail allows me to see the whole thread of our conversation. Hotmail, you only seemed to remember the very last thing said.

I do feel bad about this Hotmail. I see how hard you've been trying to do better lately. You have a nice new look and you have been trying out some new things, but you are still awkward, clunky, and relatively expensive. Hotmail, for femails like me, you’re just no competition any more. I have moved on. But don't worry. Before you die (which might be sooner than you think) I am sure you will be happy with another who only needs a Hotmail to be satisfied.

I am hoping we can still remain friends and invite you to Facebook me! when you are ready.


  1. too funny... dear John letter to Hotmail on V-day! "w/G-mail promising to hit the spot" nice... i hope your new friends find ways to comfort you as you embark on this new journey... happy v-day!

  2. I loved reading this...thank you for expressing your true feelings on Valentine's Day :-) Happy Valentine's Day to you and to everyone who reads this :-D

  3. the most eloquent break-up letter i've ever read. going forward, perhaps a pre-nuptial agreement would be best.

  4. waking up on valentines day just to ready the most amazing goodbye letter to Hotmail, touched me. I also have made the move to a better relationship with facebook who always says goodnight with a smile. Hello to new beginnings!!!

  5. @sheasmith, thank you. I am actually, quite experienced at the e-dump. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need advice.

  6. Well said. If I were you, I won't wait for valentine's day for break up.

  7. This was a awesome analogy of a relationship it also had a psychological meaning to someone who have been going through a break up and could not understand why it had to end. Very creative.....